Why I'm Here

On September 16, 2008...at little over six months ago, my mom passed away from Metastatic Breast Cancer. In regular terms, that is Stage 4 Breast Cancer where the cancer started in her Breasts, and then progressed to many other areas, and eventually taking over almost her entire body. It sucked, and it's hard, and I have never seen anyone fight so hard, for so long. She is absolutely my hero, raising four kids and fighting cancer at the same time. Going through grueling chemo treatments, radiation, and surgery...yet she didn't skip a beat, and that to me, is truly amazing. I will be lucky if I posses half of the strength that she had. I can only hope she passed a lot of it on to me. I think I could go on for way to long about how amazing she was, and as I continue to post on this blog, I probably will. Yes, do not get me wrong, we absolutely had our fights, had our different views, but in the end we loved each other despite everything, and that is something that I hold true in my heart. It just shows how strong love really is, and I was blessed to have her in my life for 24 years.

This blog has taken me six months to get started, I just could not do it, I wasn't ready. I am now. I just need a place to write about going through the stages of grief. It's on my mind constantly, and I think it will help if I am able to write my thoughts down. It is very hard for me to put how I feel into words when I am talking to someone. Even when I am talking to my lover, best friend and the person I could spend all of my time talking to. So, I am going to write about it. I think it will help me process my thoughts. I hope that it will help others who are grieving read about someone else going through the same process. Although, I truly believe that every one's grieving process is different, knowing someone has and is going through a similar thing can be so comforting. It is hard to understand what is being felt; it is hard to put it into words or to classify it into one or two feelings. It just sucks. That is the most simple concise and direct way I can put it. But what really happens is life moves on, and it's important to move with it. At times I have felt that I just couldn't go on, but push through because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

So there it is. I did it. My first post. I hope that people can read this blog, and feel some comfort. I believe it's great to cry about it; I do a lot. It's great to talk, write, yell, run, scream, and any other way that helps and allows you to feel. When I allow myself to feel, is when I feel most alive.