The day is here..

Monday, March 30....My Mom's birthday. I have had a lot of anxiety about this day. I didn't sleep great last night, I was up early and I have been an emotional wreck most of March anticipating this day. I think I have been so anxious because I do not know what to do, how to act, how to feel and how to celebrate someones birthday when they are not around. It's hard. It sucks. But here it is...the day I've been thinking about for a long time. I have been getting some nice text messages and emails today from family and of course my A. My Dad went to mass this morning to say a prayer and to say hello to Mom. I got some messages from Lauren and Chris. Chris actually sent such a nice text that read "can't wait to see you guys. love you. I feel blessed to have such an awesome family" I know, through various ways, that despite how hard this road has been with my Mom being so sick and then dying, Chris is so appreciative that we are so close, and are able to talk and be sad with each other. It as nice to hear from him. Know that we are all thinking abut Mom today. Lauren's lacrosse coach sent my dad and Lauren a really nice email about celebrating Mom's life and how she will always be with us. I obviously teared up when I got it, but it was nice to read. It is amazing how much support we have out there, I too truly feel lucky. I have an amazing girlfriend to go home to and share this time with, where I can be an unguarded as I want, and not have to think twice about it. She just knows without even saying anything (I love you!).

Despite all of this love and support, I still do not know what to do. How to celebrate it, and how to remember her in a way that will feel good, and right, and honor how amazing she was. I sent her a text message last night, even though I know her phone has been disconnected, but hoping, she would still see it. It was just something I needed to do. I might stop by a church later, and just sit and visit her....I know she's there. I just need to find some place to go to be with her alone and sit and talk for a little while, while being able to cry and wish her a happy birthday. I miss her so much.

I am going to try and remember the good times today, and write about them as they come to me, or talk about them as I remember them. It's hard for me to get the image of her really sick and dying out of my head...but today is a good day to start remembering other things, the 24 years I got to spend with her, and all the good times we had together.

So for now,

Happy Birthday my beautiful Mother. Know that I love you, I am thinking about you all of the time. You were an amazing mom, I could not have asked for anyone better to raise me. You taught me to be true to myself and to love others with all of my heart. I thank you for teaching me all that you knew. I especially thank you for showing me what strength we all carry with us, for you, are the strongest person I know...and will ever know....you beat the odds. We will always carry you in our hearts. Don't stop visiting, I love meeting you in my dreams.
XOXOXOXOXO
Love,
Danielle