The day is here..

Monday, March 30....My Mom's birthday. I have had a lot of anxiety about this day. I didn't sleep great last night, I was up early and I have been an emotional wreck most of March anticipating this day. I think I have been so anxious because I do not know what to do, how to act, how to feel and how to celebrate someones birthday when they are not around. It's hard. It sucks. But here it is...the day I've been thinking about for a long time. I have been getting some nice text messages and emails today from family and of course my A. My Dad went to mass this morning to say a prayer and to say hello to Mom. I got some messages from Lauren and Chris. Chris actually sent such a nice text that read "can't wait to see you guys. love you. I feel blessed to have such an awesome family" I know, through various ways, that despite how hard this road has been with my Mom being so sick and then dying, Chris is so appreciative that we are so close, and are able to talk and be sad with each other. It as nice to hear from him. Know that we are all thinking abut Mom today. Lauren's lacrosse coach sent my dad and Lauren a really nice email about celebrating Mom's life and how she will always be with us. I obviously teared up when I got it, but it was nice to read. It is amazing how much support we have out there, I too truly feel lucky. I have an amazing girlfriend to go home to and share this time with, where I can be an unguarded as I want, and not have to think twice about it. She just knows without even saying anything (I love you!).

Despite all of this love and support, I still do not know what to do. How to celebrate it, and how to remember her in a way that will feel good, and right, and honor how amazing she was. I sent her a text message last night, even though I know her phone has been disconnected, but hoping, she would still see it. It was just something I needed to do. I might stop by a church later, and just sit and visit her....I know she's there. I just need to find some place to go to be with her alone and sit and talk for a little while, while being able to cry and wish her a happy birthday. I miss her so much.

I am going to try and remember the good times today, and write about them as they come to me, or talk about them as I remember them. It's hard for me to get the image of her really sick and dying out of my head...but today is a good day to start remembering other things, the 24 years I got to spend with her, and all the good times we had together.

So for now,

Happy Birthday my beautiful Mother. Know that I love you, I am thinking about you all of the time. You were an amazing mom, I could not have asked for anyone better to raise me. You taught me to be true to myself and to love others with all of my heart. I thank you for teaching me all that you knew. I especially thank you for showing me what strength we all carry with us, for you, are the strongest person I know...and will ever know....you beat the odds. We will always carry you in our hearts. Don't stop visiting, I love meeting you in my dreams.
XOXOXOXOXO
Love,
Danielle

I was doing some research on some various grief websites to post here. I know that there are so many resources out there to help those struggling with a loss of a loved one. I will post some of my favorite websites here as I discover them. As I was doing this research I came across this quote from the Hospice Foundation of America. I loved it, and I thought it just encompassed so many important aspects of grieving and going through the process. Here it is....

Grief is a roller coaster, not a series of stages

It is best not to think of grief as a series of stages. Rather, we might think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

~Hospice Foundation of America.

Now a quick word about Hospice. My Grandfather, my Aunt Fran, and my Mom all had hospice care in their last few weeks. They are amazing. They offer such amazing supports for everyone in the family. Nurses, doctors, home care nurses, visitors, and social workers. It is so important to have these individuals around as you see a loved one die. They were able to answer so many of our questions, while at the same time keeping the patients comfortable and respecting all of our wishes. It's horrible watching a loved one die. However, having great support eases a small amount of the trauma.

Here is the link to the website where I found this quote. It's a great website, I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

The Birthday

Tomorrow, Monday March 30 is my Mom's birthday. Blahhhhh. What am I supposed to do? How do I let her know that I want to celebrate her birthday. How do I send a card to heaven? I think that my Dad, Paul, and Lauren are going out to dinner. I doubt Chris will do much. A and I have talked about making a cake and possibly going out to dinner, or eating in, I am not sure. I don't want it to pass without doing something. It's going to be a hard day, but I know I'll get through it. I would like to write a card to her, but I am not sure what to do with it after. I guess I'll just have to figure it out when the times comes.

She turns 54 tomorrow. Too young to have died. Her birthday is tattooed on my body to celebrate her life, I should remember that. I did not want her death date on me because I wanted to celebrate life. That's what I am going to try to do tomorrow. Celebrate her life.

Here's to having a lot of strength tomorrow.....and getting through the day...

I love you Mom.

The Afterlife

I am a firm believer that when a person dies, they go to this amazing peaceful place where they watch over all of us. I know some people might think I'm crazy, but I like to believe my mom is in this wonderful place with her Dad and her sister, just making sure we are all okay. I am also very very very positive that I can feel her around me sometimes. The first example of this was one night when I was lying in bed. I am sure I was thinking about her because it wasn't too long after she died. All of a sudden I could smell her. It was so distinct...I was not in a place where her smell was anywhere...It was her. It lasted probably ten seconds but I wanted it to last forever. I don't even think i took a breath during the ten seconds, just let her be there, wanting her to stay. After the smell went away I just cried. I couldn't do anything else, just cry. There has been one other time, pretty recently when the same smell happened again. It was as I was leaving for work one day and was locking the door behind me, not really thinking of much, when it happened. It was her smell...so distinct..so out of no where. This time I took it in again, just stood there for the few seconds, not really breathing, hoping she would stay longer. This time however, I just said, out loud, "Hi Mom." It felt good to acknowledge her presence. Let her know I felt her there with me. I wanted her to know she could visit whenever she wanted to. I will always embrace these visits, and now they make me smile a little bit, knowing she is really there checking in to make sure that I am okay.

I also really believe that she visits me in my dreams. My dreams are a place for us to see each other and to talk, or more for me to talk (which makes it more real). Right before Thanksgiving was the first time I had my most realistic dream with her in it. I dreamt that we were at my Aunt's house as usual and she was there. She said that she was able to come back for all Holidays and birthdays. I kept trying to ask her what it felt like when she died, if she was at peace, if she was okay and a million other questions. But I was crying to hard. I could never get my question out. But she was there,and it was so real. She looked so beautiful. She looked so happy to be around us. I woke up from that dream crying. Wishing it would come true.

I do believe she is there. Watching over me, and visiting me in my dreams.

The person that does not talk back

I talk to her a lot. Wishing she talked back, asking her for advice, telling her about my day, telling her how much she was and IS loved. Telling her how she was the best mother in the whole world. It mostly happens when I'm in my car driving. I think that's because that is when I used to call her most times. She would know it too, just by the sound of my voice what I was doing. When I was in college and called her sometimes she would just ask if I was feeling lonely, and although this did not happen a lot, she would always ask when I was feeling lonely. Mother's are always so comforting, even when you're older and you think you've moved on from needing a mother. I don't think that the moving on actually ever happens. For example, two summers ago, I got into a pretty bad bike accident. I don't remember much, but I hit my head pretty hard, broke my collar bone, and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I was fine when I was talking to Deb who was at the hospital with me. However, when Deb put my mom on the phone, I just broke down. I lost it. I was scared and I needed my mom there.

I try to still ask for her advice, and I still break down and cry when I talk to her. It's hard. It's scary. But I think the talking helps. I think it's important. I am not sure why, but doesn't talking about it usually help everything?

A Word of Advice

I am not going to be giving much advice on this blog, more writing about my own journey through my own process. However, during my Mom's wake, my godmother, Aunt Karen gave me the best advice I've gotten. At the time she gave it to me, I did not realize how valuable and important it was. However, shortly after, I began to see what she was talking about. This is how it happened....

In between the two visitation hours of my mom's wake we had dinner at our home with all of the family, and extended family. As I was working my way around the buffet table my Aunt Karen pulled me aside and told me that she lost her mom when she was my age. She did not elaborate, that was it. She then said, "I felt like I was never going to be happy again, but I am happy now, you will get through it." Immediately I thought to myself, yes, I am extremely extremely sad, however I know I will be happy again, and just kind of said thank you and walked away. Looking back on this moment I felt like I was okay, because I had a world of support at my house. With family and friends all around, I did not even have to think for myself. I was sad, but I was okay. It wasn't until a few weeks after that it really hit me. Life doesn't stop, it keeps going, whether I like it or not. People return to their daily routines, people still work, go to school, and while people don't stop thinking about it, life goes on. People move on. We cry and laugh and remember. However, I was still having my moments. I had moments where all I could do was cry and cry myself to sleep and try and look for a sign that my mom was there with me. I begged for a sign that she was there with me. Sometimes I searched so hard that even a dark shadow gave me comfort thinking she was there in the room with me. Sometimes I just cried myself to sleep, and sometimes I just cried in A's arms. Whichever way I chose to comfort myself, I got through it. And even through in that moment I thought that was it, I am never going to be happy again. I always was. Still to this day, I am so sad. I miss my mom more than I can even put into words, but all in all, I am happy. I have some great things going for me. I know that no matter how hard it gets, I have a great guardian angel, and there is a light on the other side. Even though I cannot see happiness when I am sad, I think it is comforting knowing that it will be there....so just keep going.

That is the best advice I can pass on. Just keep going, because no matter what, happiness is around the corner, even if it seems so far away. And today, I can say, I am happy, despite the sad moments that I very often have.

Keep going...you'll get there.

Why I'm Here

On September 16, 2008...at little over six months ago, my mom passed away from Metastatic Breast Cancer. In regular terms, that is Stage 4 Breast Cancer where the cancer started in her Breasts, and then progressed to many other areas, and eventually taking over almost her entire body. It sucked, and it's hard, and I have never seen anyone fight so hard, for so long. She is absolutely my hero, raising four kids and fighting cancer at the same time. Going through grueling chemo treatments, radiation, and surgery...yet she didn't skip a beat, and that to me, is truly amazing. I will be lucky if I posses half of the strength that she had. I can only hope she passed a lot of it on to me. I think I could go on for way to long about how amazing she was, and as I continue to post on this blog, I probably will. Yes, do not get me wrong, we absolutely had our fights, had our different views, but in the end we loved each other despite everything, and that is something that I hold true in my heart. It just shows how strong love really is, and I was blessed to have her in my life for 24 years.

This blog has taken me six months to get started, I just could not do it, I wasn't ready. I am now. I just need a place to write about going through the stages of grief. It's on my mind constantly, and I think it will help if I am able to write my thoughts down. It is very hard for me to put how I feel into words when I am talking to someone. Even when I am talking to my lover, best friend and the person I could spend all of my time talking to. So, I am going to write about it. I think it will help me process my thoughts. I hope that it will help others who are grieving read about someone else going through the same process. Although, I truly believe that every one's grieving process is different, knowing someone has and is going through a similar thing can be so comforting. It is hard to understand what is being felt; it is hard to put it into words or to classify it into one or two feelings. It just sucks. That is the most simple concise and direct way I can put it. But what really happens is life moves on, and it's important to move with it. At times I have felt that I just couldn't go on, but push through because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

So there it is. I did it. My first post. I hope that people can read this blog, and feel some comfort. I believe it's great to cry about it; I do a lot. It's great to talk, write, yell, run, scream, and any other way that helps and allows you to feel. When I allow myself to feel, is when I feel most alive.